Loss
by Sararingo
Summary: A series of stories that explore Shepard's feelings with coping with the loss of her crewmates. Spoilers for ME3. Paragon FemShep, Garrus LI. Same Shepard as my other fanfics.


**PART 1: MORDIN**

**/This is how I get my feelings from ME3 out. Still feeling them even though I finished the game months ago. I'll eventually get back to my other stories if people are interested./**

The sound of the Reaper shook the ground beneath them. Explosions were bursting around them as Shepard pulled down the last hammer, watching in both awe and horror as the gigantic thresher maw flew out of the earth, slamming into the Old Machine and taking it down with nothing but a screech in its wake.

She had sent Garrus and Liara back to the shuttle. She knew that, even with the Reaper's looming threat no longer staring them down, the tower was coming down at any minute and Mordin was still in there.

She hadn't hesitated to tell Wrex, Eve and Mordin what was going on. The Dalatrass had sworn to offer every fleet the Salarians could offer should Shepard sabotage the genophage cure…and just hearing the offer had sickened Shepard to her stomach. Though she had played along, being as diplomatic as she possibly could, there was no hiding that icy anger that forced its way through her tone. Nonetheless the salarian official had believed that Shepard would make "the right decision".

That she would.

Wrex was one of her best friends. He stood by her and Garrus both when they took down Saren. He was one of the only ones who greeted her with joy, regardless of her affiliation with Cerberus after they had rebuilt her. He was always willing to offer a helping hand for her, and she wanted to return the favor. The terrible malady that plagued the krogan people would be cured today. She would make sure of it.

Fire and smoke was bursting around them, but Shepard didn't care. She had to make it inside to her friend.

"Mordin!" she called as she walked into the building at a brisk walk, her visor centering in on the orange salarian, busy typing away at a nearby console. She made her way up to him at a frenzied speed. "Is the cure ready?"

"Yes!" he barked, not even looking up from his work. "Ready for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve but not lethal. Maelon's research invaluable."

A smile half-cracked on Shepard's face. So it had come in useful in the end after all.

"She's okay?" Shepard asked pointedly. She had really enjoyed the female krogan's presence; a welcome change from the brutish males, not that she disliked them. With her and Wrex at the forefront, Shepard had no doubt that they would see a real uprising of the krogan people.

"Headed to safety now. Her survival fortunate. Will stabilize new government should Wrex get any ideas. Good match; promising future for krogan."

A huge piece of shrapnel suddenly flew out of the sky, slamming just a short distance from the two of them. Shepard cringed back away from the flying ash, but Mordin still did not look up.

"Damn!" she hissed, turning to look at her friend. He had finally turned his gaze to her. "Control room on top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up." he gestured towards the doors a short distance away.

She gave him an incredulous look, confusion setting in on her gaze. "You're going _up there_?!" she asked frantically, pointing towards the top of the tower.

He nodded. "Yes. Manual access required. Have to counteract STG sabotage. Insure cure disperse properly."

She stared at him, eyes wide in both confusion and something like fear. Blood was streaked across her face, along with dirt and grime and ash. Her shoulder ached and she'd taken a bad hit to her left leg, but right now, all she could think about was Mordin going up in this tower and getting blown to smithereens. She couldn't handle that.

Through the grace of whatever deity ruled their galaxy, she had managed to get all of her crew out of the Collector Base alive, and even intact. Ashley had been the biggest loss she'd taken, and even in the irreparable circumstances in which she had perished, Shepard had taken her gunnery officer's death hard. The whole crew had.

Losing Mordin…

"Mordin this whole thing is coming apart!" she spoke rapidly, her voice like steel. It was her Commander voice. "There's gotta be another way."

He turned away from her; her hands twitched into fists. "Remote bypass impossible. STG countermeasures in place. No time to adjust cure for temperature variance."

There was a heavy silence between them, despite the rumbling sound of the earth below their feet and the continuous explosions overhead.

"No." he said finally. "No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be…problematic."

He started walking to the elevator, and before Shepard could really comprehend her actions, she was rushing toward him.

"Mordin, no!" she demanded, her hands balled tightly at her sides. Regardless of her words, her _orders_, he had already stepped into the elevator. Mercifully, he turned to face her.

"Shepard, please. Need to do this." he murmured. His voice was quiet. The Commander flinched, taken aback. "My project, my work, my cure. My responsibility."

She stood there, floored at the impending death of her friend. She watched him shut his eyes, taking a slow breath. Savoring it. Contemplating. "…would have liked to run tests on the seashells." he said with a smile.

She just stared up at him, her hair billowing around her face, the burning frustration in her soul forming into a pit of sorrow. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him how much of an asset he had been to her and her crew. How much she had made her laugh and how much she had enjoyed his songs. She wanted to let him know that she considered him a great friend and she didn't want to watch him die like this, but she still understood why he needed to. This was bigger than him, or her. This was for a whole race. It was something that had to be done.

Finally, she was able to offer a somber "I'm sorry."

He smiled at her. "I'm not. Had to be me."

She watched as he turned, heading further into the elevator. The door slid closed before him, and her brow furrowed, watching painfully as her friend turned back to face her.

He offered her one last smile.

"Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

The elevator began to rise, and she stood there, watching as her friend disappeared from her life forever. Her hands tightened into fists, clenching her jaw. She knew Mordin could do this. If anyone could do this, it was him.

She bit her cheek, turning and quickly heading outside. She had to get back outside; the others were waiting. She took in a low breath as she made her way into the smoke-hazed world, and as she looked up, she saw streams of white flowing across the sky like tiny clouds.

"Mordin." she breathed, a smile twinging the corners of her lips, and just as his name finished emerging from her lips, a huge explosion knocked the windows out of the top of the tower. The Commander turned around, as black smoke plumed up from the building, and little white tufts that looked almost like snow started falling from the sky.

She extended a hand, watching them dissipate on her armor. She was vaguely aware of the shuttle pulling up behind her, but she just rose her gaze to the top of the tower again.

Wrex and Eve both jumped out, looking up at the sky. They all stood in silence, in honor of the friend who had given his life for their people, to fix the mistake he had made so many years ago.

Shepard shut her eyes, exhaling slowly. She felt a familiar weight on her shoulder, and turned to see Garrus standing there, Liara on his other side. She didn't say anything to him, turning and heading back for the shuttle, feeling a loss that she didn't know how to cope with yet.


End file.
